5 Parts of our life to work through to create the sexual life we wish


Photography by artist unknown.

There are tons of articles telling us what we should do to have a better sexual life. But there are not enough talking about it from a holistic perspective instead of from a “quick fix” point of view. I see sex as a mirror, that allows us to see clearly in which areas we are struggling in life.

The reason why our sex life might not be working as we desire is closely related to other areas that we are struggling with in our life. That’s why I don’t believe in quick fixes here. What might work for me can be completely useless for you. We ultimately will need to work on ourselves if we want to get whatever we dream of.

Here are 5 parts of your life you might want to work through to create the sexual life you wish to have.


Many of us have learned to live a life disconnected from our bodies. This might happen for different reasons., Among them are unprocessed painful experiences, the alienation of our bodies and body-shame, to name a few.

The reality is that our body is a source of wisdom that tells us what we need as individuals. An essential capacity for having a healthy sexuality is to be in tune with our bodies during a sexual experience. In this way we can know what we like, what we don’t like, what is working and what is not, where our boundaries are or how to open our bodies up for pleasure.

The first step to growing a relationship with our body is to create space for it. Begin by giving yourself time to connect with your body through movement, meditation, or massage. You can do any activity that helps you to be present with your body. After growing this connection, begin to respect your body’s desires by taking action accordingly.

When you begin to listen to your body, you will experience how your body starts to show you more clearly what it needs.


We tend to think that our sexual life is not working for just one specific reason. By doing so, we forget that when we have sex, we are having sex with everything we are. With our hopes, our minds, our unprocessed experiences, everything that we are is being cracked open. Having sex, for me, is the most vulnerable experience in this world. At least, that is how I decide to experience sex. I choose to open myself with my vulnerabilities to the person with whom I decide to be with.

We are different each day, and so how we experience sex changes too. I would like to encourage you to open yourself to discover what you like each time you interact with your lover. See it with playfulness and give yourself the opportunity to be curious.


Communication helps us to express who we are in the form of words. We define with them how we feel, what we want, and what matters for us.

When I speak about open communication in this context, I talk about creating a safe space with whoever you are having sex with, to express what each of you wants and needs. This is crucial as no human being is equal, and no human being experiences sexuality in the same way.

Begin with asking yourself what you need in order to feel safe when you are communicating with your lover. It might be the first time that you ask yourself this question, or you might realize that you actually don’t feel safe with your lover, that is okay. What matters is what you choose to do now.

Tell your partner or lover that you would like to speak about how you would like your communication to be in the future.

For example, when I need to talk about a theme that is complicated for me with my partner I like to say to him that this conversation makes me feel vulnerable. In this way, I don’t have to hold myself back in expressing my emotions, and it takes out a lot of pressure.


If you have worked with me, you most probably know how much importance I give to listening to our pussy. If we suffer shame related to our bodies, our pussies are most likely the main part where we direct this shame.

It is not a surprise. There is still an ideal of “purity” that has been imprinted into women, and everything that has been said that makes us “impure” is closely related to this part of our bodies.

I don’t know if someone ever specifically told it to me, but I definitely remember growing up thinking that vulvas are ugly and dirty. It took a lot of work from my side to grow a connection with my pussy and see all the beauty it holds.

The truth is that connecting with your pussy will completely change your life. When you begin to cultivate this connection, you will experience how everything becomes clearer. You know better what you want, who you want to sleep with and who not, what feels right, what doesn’t, and a big etcetera. Your vulva is power.

If you want to begin to connect with your pussy, I encourage you to lay down, place your hands on your pussy, breathe, stay there, and see what comes.

It can seem simple and useless, but this exercise is truly transformative. It will lead you to give space to process past experiences and traumas stored in this part of your body, which is important to unblock your power.


To finish, be patient. A lot of negative ideas have been imprinted around female sexuality, which means that if you want to feel empowered in your sexuality, you will most probably need to work to let these ideas go and create a new positive narrative.

It is a long journey, and I would even say it is a life journey. Therefore, allow yourself to celebrate whatever you accomplish and learn, and don’t rush through the process.

This is maybe the hardest one, as you might feel that you should already know all about sex. The truth is that most people have no clue about sex, simply because most of us don't receive any education around it.

As long as you are working with it, you are doing the best you can. Eventually, you will get to enjoy your sexuality with your lover, but please don’t put any more pressure on yourself as it will only make it harder.

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The erotic act of kissing

Imagine this. It is sunny, you feel the warmth of the sun in your naked legs. You look to the eyes of your lover and slowly put your lips closer to his/her lips, feeling the breath of each other. You touch his thigh slowly from lower to the upper side, and then you begin to play with your lips and his/her lips. You press your chest closer to his chest and your bodies get hot. Your lips become wet and your tongues begin to play together, finding their language, their rhythm.

We used to expend hours in a situation like the one I describe above when we were teenagers. Just kissing. Then we became adults and many of us forgot about the power that something as simple as a kiss can have to turn us on.

When a relationship starts to go sour, couples usually stop kissing on the lips before they stop having intercourse. I fnd this fact fascinating.

First of all, many people tend to see sex as only the intercourse moment, but sex can be much more than just that. Another misunderstanding is that we need to learn complex skills to have a good sex life. Don’t get me wrong, new skills are always great but in my experience, that is not what will your sex life delicious.

In my experience, good sex life comes from the ability of creating intimacy with your partner and from going back to the basis. Going back to get excited about a kiss, about having the body of lover close to you, without expecting anything else.

Next time that you see your lover take your time to discover his/her lips, to touch consciously his/ her body, to play & find how the body of your lover reacts.

And then ask your lover to kiss you the way he or she likes to be kissed. It’s pure magic. Just sit back let him or her take over and enjoy. You’ll learn all kind of things.

Lots of love,